There’s a reason why I haven’t updated this blog in over a month.
If you’ve read the About Meditating Millennial section of this website, you would know that I am engaged to be married. After being together for almost five years, that is no longer the case. My ex-fiancée and I are no longer engaged to be married, and we are no longer together.
The past month has been emotionally draining. I love to meditate, and I love to write; however, it is extremely difficult to focus on those two things when one is in a constant state of flux and depression. I had so many thoughts, feelings, and emotions running through my mind and body that I could not concentrate on what would’ve helped me out the most—meditation and writing.
The initial breakup hit us both hard. We are different now than who we were five years ago when we first met. In our early twenties, we thought we could overcome all obstacles and make “us” work. Unfortunately for “us,” as we were both growing older, we were both moving in separate directions. The writing was written on the wall long ago. We both knew it, but did not want to admit it to ourselves or to each other. A change in our relationship was noticeable within the past year, but we had been through so much together that we couldn’t bring ourselves to talk about it.
Until a month ago.
A breaking point in our relationship—we had a long, long talk. We were both unhappy with the direction our relationship was heading towards. We knew changes had to be made. We tried working through it. We tried couples counseling. We tried talking through it some more. We tried to bring back those feelings we had for each other like in the beginning of our relationship.
But it was too late. We were both too damaged that our relationship couldn’t be repaired. I could never empathize when someone was said to be “damaged goods,” but now I can completely relate to that reference. I felt like half a man. Part of me was living physically in this world, but the other half was in a constant state of depression, unable to feel any other emotion.
Over the past month, I’ve only been able to sit and meditate a few times. I knew I needed to meditate; I knew it would have helped me. The first week or so I was too emotionally distraught to do anything at all. My appetite disappeared. I had no motivation to go to the gym. I was a zombie at work. Of course I did not want to feel this type of way, but it felt like I had no other choice. This was my fate.
But then one sunny, Saturday morning, I was finally able to bring myself into a meditation session. I sat on a cushion and closed my eyes. The two cats were lying down next to me, one on either side. I focused on my breath. Even though it had been a couple weeks since I had meditated, it was like I didn’t miss a beat. I concentrated on my breath and did not stray. I was calm. I was relaxed. I thought that maybe, just maybe I could get through this tumultuous time of my life.
That meditation session only lasted about 15 minutes. I couldn’t focus anymore after that. My mind drifted back to the breakup. I got up and ended my session. A short fifteen minutes of meditation, however, helped me immensely. I was more mindful after that session. That quarter of an hour helped me realize there is a light at the end of this tunnel. No, my life is not over. Yes, things are changing. Things are always changing. But if I am mindful, I can manage those changes in my life without it affecting me so negatively.
That Saturday, that sunny Saturday morning, I had finally accepted our ending relationship. I still hurt, but I realized it is okay to hurt. It is normal to have these feelings—especially after a life-changing experience like breaking off an engagement with someone I had once thought I’d be spending the rest of my life with. Someone who I envisioned having children with. Growing old together. Experiencing life together.
The next few weeks, my emotions were still volatile. But, I was now able to recognize when I was feeling sadness, and veer myself back to mindfulness. If I caught myself feeling sad, I would accept that feeling of sadness, and focus back to my breath. If I was walking and all of a sudden felt grief, I would go back to my meditative walking technique.
It was easier to get through the day at work because my mind was occupied with what needed to get done, but once I got home, feelings of sadness would overcome me again. I still couldn’t get myself to write anything. Even though I knew meditating consistently would be beneficial, I could only do it maybe once a week. I was still emotionally struggling.
Today, as I write this, I am still damaged. But, my daily mindfulness and my frequency of meditation sessions have recently been increasing. And it is having a positive effect on my life. I am able to write this post and I am so, so very relieved.
I do not know where I would be if I had not discovered meditation. I cannot speculate on how I would be feeling right now if I did not practice mindfulness. But, because of those practices, I am healing. Emotionally, mentally, and physically I am better. I have my appetite back. I have been going to the gym on a regular schedule. My relationships with friends and coworkers are stronger. I no longer focus on the negative.
Life goes on.
I move forward.
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